Return & Reunion
Children and Reunion
Expectations
Change is at least as stressful for children as it is for adults. The homecoming of the serving parent is a major change for the children in the household. They have grown physically, emotionally, socially and spiritually during the deployment. Children are not skilled at coping with stress because they have little life experience. As a result, they may temporarily act up or regress to a less mature stage of behaviour. In any event, there will be a readjustment period - typically 4 to 6 weeks - for the entire family. You can greatly enhance your family's reunion by developing realistic expectations of how your child will respond to the Service parent's return based upon the child's age. So let us examine what you can generally expect of children of differing ages, and how you can facilitate the reunion process with your children. As you know, children are not 'miniature adults', but rather developing individuals who change rapidly in their thought and behaviour patterns. So, a one year old and a 5 year old will respond very differently to your return.
Infants (birth to one year)
An infant has not yet developed much of an ability to remember people and events. Accordingly, as painful as this might be for you to consider, do not expect baby to recognise the parent who has returned from a long deployment. Instead, expect them to initially react as if the returning parent was a stranger. The infant is likely to cry when held by the returning parent, pull away, fuss and cling to the person who has been their primary carer during the deployment. Once again, 'take things easy' . The baby will get used to the returning parent at their own pace. The newly returned parent should gently get involved in holding, hugging, bathing, feeding, playing with, and otherwise caring for the baby. The key is to be patient and let your baby's reaction be your guide in terms of the pace to proceed in getting reacquainted.
Toddlers (one-3 years)
A typical toddler's response may be to hide form the newly returned parent, to cling to their primary carer, cry, and perhaps regress to soiling themselves if they are 'potty trained'. Again, give your child space and time to warm up to the returning parent. It helps for the returning parent to sit at eye level with the child (to look less intimidating) and talk with them. A gentle offer by the returning parent to play with the toddler may be helpful, but do not force the issue. Doing so will only intensify your child's discomfort and resistance. Also, it may have helped the child to more clearly remember the deployed parent if the stay behind carer frequently showed them pictures of the Service parent and said 'Daddy' or 'Mummy', as the case may be. At this age, the old adage 'out of sight, out of mind' aptly applies.
Pre-school Children (3-5 years)
Children in this age group tend to think as though the world revolves around them (egocentric thinking). Keeping that in mind, it is not surprising that your pre-school child may think they somehow made the Service parent go away. Or that the Service parent left because they no longer cared about the child. If this is the case with your pre-school child, they may feel guilty or abandoned. As a result, your child may express intense anger as a way of keeping the Service parent at a distance. thereby 'protecting' themselves from further disappointment. Your pre-school child is also likely to do some 'limit testing' (ie see if familiar rules still apply). To promote the reunion process, wise parents will accept the child's feelings, not act overly concerned, and focus on rewarding positive behaviour. It is good for the returning parent to talk with the child about their areas of interest, be it storybooks, toys, or whatever and give the child some undivided attention. Meanwhile, the returning parent should support the other parent's enforcement of family rules and be careful not to move too quickly into an authoritative role. A pre-school child needs time to adjust to the serving parent once again being an active participant in his or her life.
School Age (5-12 years)
Children in this age group are likely to give returning parents a very warm reception if the parent-child relationship was strong before the separation. The school age child may excitedly run to the returning parent as soon as he or she gets off the aeroplane. They will be inclined to try to monopolise the returning parent's attention and 'talk their ear off' during the drive home and then want to show off scrapbooks, hobby items, or school projects when the returning parent gets home. If, on the other hand, the returning parent's relationship with the school age child was strained, the child may fear the returning parent will punish them for any misbehaviour during the deployment. Such a thought process may, initially, lead the child to be shy or withdrawn around the newly returned parent. At any rate, it is best for the returning parent to have friendly interest in what the child has done during the time of deployment and praise them for their efforts and accomplishments.
Adolescent (13-18 years)
As you already know if you are the parent of an adolescent, they can have mood swings that go up and down like a roller coaster. One moment they are solving problems in a reasonable and logical way and the next may be reacting in a purely emotional and childlike fashion. So, your adolescent's reaction to your return may be characterised by mixed emotions. Like the school age child, your adolescent is likely be very excited to see the returning parent again, if the relationship was amicable prior to the deployment. Sometimes, however, adolescents are reticent to publicly express their emotions and may be more concerned about acting 'cool' in front of their peers. Adolescents tend to be very sensitive about being unfavourably judged or criticised. With this in mind, be sure to make time to discuss with your adolescent what is going on in their life as well as what you have experienced. As with sons and daughters of any age, it is critical to give your adolescent some of each parent's undivided pleasant attention.
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